winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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