I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize