omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize