That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
