While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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