Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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