I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize