Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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