i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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