i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
