All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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