A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
