you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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