let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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