remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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