Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
