there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
