I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
