Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
