I'm jealous of your bromance
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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