Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
