The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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