Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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