Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
