what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
