they need to just BURY HIM!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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