She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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