what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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