We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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