when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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