I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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