i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
