you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
