I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
