I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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