I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Randomize
