tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
