my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
