i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
