According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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