Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
