her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
