I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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