I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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