Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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