well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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