It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
