your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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