I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
