I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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