Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize