Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
