The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
