Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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