barbara walters just said penis...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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