11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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