I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
