Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
