I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
