At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
