I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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