drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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