Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh god it's open bar.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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