I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
