I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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