she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Pants are for mortals
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
