since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
