Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
